Grrrrrr! It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm still awaiting the outcome of my work based "Internet indiscretions".
I'm not a happy bunny about this. I want this sorry, laughable procedure out of the way so that I can crack on with my life as it should be. I don't expect to get the bullet for this episode and am most probably looking at, a written warning at worst. Still, there's a honeymoon to be booked and I want to know that I can pay for it without the worry of whether household bills will be terrifyingly significant or not.
What's really sticking in my craw is the fact that I even remotely care about it at all. When I get to the very heart of it, I hate my job and perhaps being released would be a blessed relief. The sad truth of it all is that due to my rather poor academic record and general all round underachieveriness I don't actually feel worthy of much else beyond the realms of bottom rung clerical gubbins.
I often wish I could tap into that one thing, that special talent I may posses that might set me apart from the rest of the crowd and deliver unto me a job or career worth doing. It is easy to get swept away by all the petty problems that swamp the everyday mundanity of office life, but I know that in reality it all means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am just wasting precious moments of my life drowning in a bureaucratical ocean of pontificational pointlessness. People "talk the talk" (management speak) and I just want to throw up... on them.
The worst part is, for lack of any imagination on my part, I have attempted to drag myself up a rung or two on this turgid career ladder. To the extent of which, I am part of this year's Development Scheme. And, despite my current situation at work, I decided against throwing in the towel and have persevered, so much so that I have spent much of the past week working on one of the projects for the scheme.
This has really pissed me off. Feeling as though I have precious few options in the job market beyond the realms "paper shuffler extraordinaire" I find my own personal time being consumed on a project to help me go further in a job I don't actually even like. Where did it all go wrong? Probably in my haste to leave my education behind me... sigh...
...I am sorry, my thoughts about blog as catharsis are generally "Don't do it" but this is not the "Showbiz Blog" (Which, ironically and frustratingly, I have had a number of ideas for during the time spent on the works project) and I just needed to string a few of these thoughts together.
5 comments:
My friend, you constantly inspire me with your openess and that's where your strength lies. You just don't see it as a strength or an advantage but believe me it is and at times it's fucking inspiring!
You're ability to see where you're going wrong (or right as the case may be) may be your making. I know you have a mortgage to pay and child to feed but maybe, in the future if handled tactfully your missus might not mind supporting you taking a year out to get some more qualifications. I worked for two years when him indoors was at college and he worked for a year when I was at college, before this course so it can work.
You have much to do in this world so even when you get the all clear from your work (which I'm surer the buggers will give you) maybe you should take this reflective period seriously this time.... what?
I'd hardly regard skulking about on an anonymous blog, hiding behind The Blogtometrist pseudonym as being all that open. But fair play to you for finding my self indulgent miserablist whingeing an inspiration.
I think my biggest problem is, I still have absolutely no idea what I'd actually like to do to try and make a living. I could argue I'd be happier running my own sandwich shop as opposed to what I'm doing but I don't think that's it either, although it would probably still be more preferable to what I'm doing now.
Education and I do not get along so well, so it'd have to be a course that I could really wrap myself up in. Although, with the little tinker about, that's certainly not an option for the next couple of years at least.
Perhaps I need to start looking to extra curricular activities and stop wasting my time striving to do better where I am. Who knows? It may open some doors to a change of vocation for me.
You'll land on your feet, I'm sure of it.
Enjoy your family. Perhaps being a husband and father are the occupations that will put you a cut above the rest.
It might sound like a stupid idea, but what about journalism? You are a very, very good writer. Go to university (you are an independent adult with a family, you'll get a happy-sized grant), do a Journalism BA and then realise just how much the Civil Service can fuck off. It's why I'm quitting in September to be a teacher.
You said that you hated school and left as soon as you could. Well,
University is absolutely nothing like school, either, plus as a mature student you don't need A-levels or anything.
I can also see how scary a change like that can be, though. I need to hand in my resignation this month, and am seriously, seriously prevaricating about it. I like having a payslip arrive each month. But it's like a cancer. It'll eat you eventually. Don't waste yourself. We are both the same age, let's both be happy by the time we hit 30. It can be done.
It's a hard thing being a parent and putting your wishes and dreams to the side while you push the needs of your offspring upfront. It's not an easy thing but it is the right thing to do.
As a parent you lose the ability to make leaps without a safety net below you. But that doesn't mean you can't still jump. I agree wholeheartedly with Dougal that you should look into writing professionally. You really do have a talent. Perhaps you could put together some of your pieces and send them off to publishers. I'd buy that book.
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